Turn and face the strange

Okay

I just moved my purse and underneath was a wheat penny face down showing its wheat so I grabbed it and flipped it over to look at the year....1934...the year he was born.

12/12 Saying goodbye

Friday night I went out to Hayward to a micro brewery to see some friends.  Im kicking myself for not buying some pumpkin beer to bring home to my nephew.  It was like pumpkin pie in a bottle but not sweet.  Fabulous.  I figured I could pick some up in the city and everyone is sold out....

Saturday he was awake and happy to see me.  We visited for a while, then he wanted to get up so we went out into the lobby and sat by the fireplace and tried to visit, but the most bossy old lady came and totally interjected herself into our bubble.  Richard thought she was quite amusing and as she left he announced "You're your own woman!"  and she replied your damn right I am...haha.

Then he wanted to go outside so we took a walk outdoors and I plucked a wild rose that smelled really good and he gave it to the next woman that he encountered.  I was mostly going on Saturday to feel him about about going to his friend, Charlotte's 95th birthday party the next day in Palo Alto.  He wasn't up for it..

Today his speech wasn't great but his mind is wanting to work and understand things.  Arlene got him a new clock radio with the hopes of a better antennea so he could hear his public radio station.  I got all that set up for him and the clock set and such.  He has a side table I pull way out to the middle of his bed so its next to him when his back is inclined.  we went through all the switches and where the on and off is.  He also wanted to go through the bed remote again so we did that...he says its like a puzzle, but hes starting to get it...not being able to see perfectly doesn't help.

I went to SF Dim Sum for him today since it is probably my last trip.  He asked me in the middle if this was the last time he'd see me.  Kinda sad.  I told him about Jon coming in the spring and told him that if he was up to it, someone could maybe come out there and assist him with travel, which he really got excited about the possibility of.  He loves the picture frame that Carolyn bought and I put together.  The picture of Jon and his family is his favorite right now, and I know it wasn't meant to but the outline of them is in a heart.  He loves those boys so that is good motivation for him.  At that point he will be at his approaching plateau of recovery, so I said work hard.  He said the only thing keeping him in there is this - pointing to his shoulder.  I had to correct him and say that it was more the independent living thing and being able to get himself out of bed on his own, get to the restroom, and other normal every day activities...but hes doing better and if he concentrates on that being his goal he'll find himself on his way to the next chapter of life.

He kept saying okay go on to your party (I was going up to Concord to grab something from a friend from Friday night)...so I finally relinquished and said is there anything else you want me to get you or do for you before I leave?  Hes says no, but as soon as you walk out the door I'll think of something.  I told him Im going to Concord and will be passing back by again so if he thinks of something call me.

Well I get to the CORNER and hes calling me.  I need your help!  Back through the grocery store parking lot and around to him and hes all.....hi :)  How's the weather in Houston?  Honestly I cant remember anything that actually needed my help.  Maybe he needed his light switch puller thing.....at some point today either before or after the call back he did say...I know I'm indebted to you, although I don't really know what you did...lol...story of my life....I'm not even sure what I did, so we're even.

Tomorrow is the street cleaning parade..in preparation Im going to go get my tire patched and oil changed then lie in wait......and after, Im going to go have a cup of coffee and visit with Bill Langley.

12/8 Therapy team meeting

Met Nicky at a local diner on the corner for lunch and Arlene and Lee joined.  We visited and ate then went around the corner to him in a train.  We had a 2:30 appointment with the therapy team to review and set up the schedule for him that is kicking in since medicare has stopped paying.

Turns out he gets a free RNA program which is physical and occupational, and only have to pay for speech.  Arlene and Lee had created a nice spreadsheet with projected budgets accounting for all three.  Speech is of course the very most expensive, so its nice to be able to put the budget there instead.

Physical will consist of an arm and leg bike, walking etc...I believe they will also continue to assist him down to the dining room which he is enjoying.  Speech wants 3 times a week for at least two weeks, then re-evalute.  She is working on his swallowing and liquid intake.  She says hes up and down with it...as soon as she thinks its time, he slides back a little.

He did have a moment of recognition a couple of days ago with Lee where he weeped a bit.  Following an aha moment regarding swallowing.  Still not sure what the tears were - happy sad frustration... I didnt want to pry him about it.

Hes really wanting to read, and cant get his Kindle to do the text to speech and if it does cant hear it in his headphones, so I brought it back with me and have it charged and working now.  Im going to Hayward to have a beer with some friends tonight, and will see him tomorrow....or maybe after dinner since Im half out that way anyway.

Interesting part of the meeting was a review of the psychologists report which mentioned signs of Anhedonia.

Mostly interesting because its tied to dopamine which he takes a lot of - or the precusor to dopamine to be more accurate.  There was also some other funny stuff that I immediately blurted out 'born with it' to. 

Leaving here mid week next week.  Will not visit again past Tuesday IF i get there Tuesday.  If I go on tues I have to go super early so I can be here for the street cleaning parade at 12:30 and get the front spot so I can load my truck.  From the time I get that parking spot to the time I leave I will not move my car.  Ill spend the days local, cleaning, organizing and packing.  I still haven't figured out how Im going to pack it and keep it secure but I'll wing it and do the roof cargo the morning of I suppose.  I have a slow leak in my front tire that I need to get taken care of before....everyone say a prayer for safe travel.  I will post check-ins to Facebook as I go for safety purposes.

12/7 hes too far away

It costs me upward of 40-50 dollars every time I go to see him now so I dont go as often.  Im always teetering on the edge of a couple of hundred dollars and am petrified.

I stopped by monday, to bring him his new phone and some food.  He was sleeping and said he had a long therapy session and was exhausted.  Didnt want me to stay.  So I was only there about 30minutes.

His Medicaid app was held up by a gift letter, but all that is in now.

Going back tomorrow for a meeting with the therapist team who will take over shortly when he begins to have to pay it out of pocket.  He will be on a reduced schedule with a continued focus on speech and physical but less occupational.  The Occupational therapist at Tunnell felt like she was already hitting a ceiling and as far as bang for your buck the other two reign king.

His shoulder is no longer giving him problems.  His motor skills are still not up to par.  His blurry vision is gone but continues to see double or triple which makes his motor skills difficult.  He says he has to guess which image is the right one.  His cognitive ability seems more on that off.

His second phone got shorted out but what is suspected a spilled drink.  He has his new one with him now with everyone programmed in.

Im tired and leaving a week from today.

12/2 Goodbye Oak St

Went today with Jordan after his class and study group.  I was getting stressed because I thought he was working the afternoon shift and we'd be rushing.  I discovered this little Vietnamese sandwich shop in castro and have been eating y way through their 6 item menu.  they are all $4.50.  If you have not had Bánh mì thịt nướng (baguette with grilled meat pickled vegetables and cilantro) stay away you'll never leave.  I knew in my head that I would pick up a couple on the way to bring to him, that way it was free taste testing.


Jordan thankfully announces hes on late shift so no stress, and we set out to Bánh mì heaven on the way an off to walnut creek.  He was sleeping and his roomate is in bed - who speaks so very little english but one word he knows well?  HELP!  He just sat there saying it over and over and I tell him I am not a nurse push your button he says in russian they never come!  I know this not because I speak russian but because he is a master at speaking like an italian with his hands which makes it easier to understand.  I tell him he needs to wait I cannot help.  He persists making it impossible to have a conversation with Richard but starts adding mama and drink to the english word repertiore.  Mama?  really?!  okay...I go to his table giant jug of water and I shake it and say there is water here...no he needs it poured in the little cup...okay.  Done.  Back to Richard.  HELP!  HELP!  HELP!  mama!  help!  oy vey.


Anyway...I go through my day yesterday and all my discoveries.  Richard says what are you a detective?  You should work for your dad and sleuth on people.  He doesn't even remember Rick Jarrett!  But he does say that he was a pioneering gay rights writer. and he thinks the photo came from his friend Charlotte.  We ate, we talked.  He asks Jordan about Mexico then immediately ignores him as hes answering....


Arlene and Lee show up.  They have spent a lot of time investigating the costs of continuing therapies which with a lower frequency is going to be near 2200 a month.  Facility will now start taking his entire Social Security check minus $35, and at that cost out of pocket a month she sees no sense in retaining the financial drain on an empty apartment.  Sad.  Hes been here for so long.  But honestly even if he gets to the point where he can get out of there, I don't think Oak St is the right place for him to be with the stairs and small pathways to walk.  She and Jordan talk about it a bit on our way out and they are targeting the end of the lease in Feb to close up shop on Oak St.

12/1 World AIDS day

I had an AMAZING day...and not because of anything Richard did today, but more because of my own personal experiences and exploration and revelations of his life today...and on such a monumetal day as World AIDS day...the one disease that seemed to bring the fun of the 60s and 70s to an end for the gay community.... and on a small side note I know there is someone that follows this blog that has been HIV positive for a very long time, and to that person I want to say that you are AMAZING and an inspirational testament to mind over matter that has contributed to my life in innumerable ways.  Today I thought of you more than once.

For months now Ive been staring at this Award of honor hanging on his wall from some gay rights group...its in the picture corner along with his degrees.  I had no idea what it was but once ran across a guy in Castro who spontaneously began speaking to Buck as we passed on the sidewalk so I stopped and visited with him.  He worked at some humanitarian group and while looking through the glass of his business I commented on how much I loved his marketing design...and it jogged the memory of the award which I didnt have the right description for but mentioned it was from the 70s and he said no way we weren't around then.  Haven't much thought about it since.

But recently I have been desperately drawn to the black and white picture - in the picture corner - that I posted here on another monumental day - 9/11.  This is *MY* uncle.  This exudes everything I ever found glorious about him...cigarette and all.  I remember when he came that year with that hoop earring in his ear.  I was FACINATED and enthralled.  I was somewhere around 6 yrs old.  I loved my uncle SO much!  He always got Jons room and I have clear memories of watching him go about his business with the door wide open without an ounce of modesty.  Where Jon slept during that time I have no idea?  Maybe he even shared the room with them on his trundle bed.  Jon had the most awesome set of trundles ever...which once gave me a black eye trying to duck a silly putty projectile aimed at my head...but I digress.

Richard was EXOTIC.  He had swagger.  He was liberal.  He loved me too and was always engaging and interested in me.  He still retains this part of his personality and is what made him such a great teacher.  His students still write to this day saying what an impact he had on their lives....some even follow this blog.  This man was KING.  And I got him twice a year...thanksgiving and Easter.  To this day these holidays hold more importance to me in my heart because of that...Christmas? meh....but THOSE holidays?  they were golden.  We had grandparents, uncle James and my cousins, Richard, Joe...always a full house....and Sunday Wild Kingdom and disney on a TV you had to get up to change the channel on...with all of us stuffed into the room....AND ZEPPOLI... Heaven.

This picture brings me right back there.

So I took it off the wall.  I decided  I'm going to scan that thing and bring a copy home with me.  HOURS AND HOURS later - and I'm no computer dummy - I cannot get a clean scan of it, and printing turns its into a no depth cartoon looking thing.  I cant up the resolution to get a better print because his PC has a whopping 2gb of RAM and when I try it tells me sorry - not enough memory.  I give up.

On the rear of it is a handwritten sticky note saying: Luciano - This is Richard when I first met him.  Interesting.  The last time I was in SF, Luciano was here - and I think that was late 80s / early 90s.  On the bottom it is stamped a rick jarret photo with a local phone number and a copyright notice that it should not be reproduced without consent of the photographer.  Well there goes my trip to wolf camera to try to get a professional to reproduce it.  The phone number is of course out of service.  There is no entry in his phone or email for a Rick Jarrett.  /sigh

I put my people tracking skills to work and after getting side tracked with it possibly being a student turned jazz musician - who was kind enough to call me back almost immediately to let me know I was on the wrong trail I landed on thecastro.net.  Jarrett was a professional name not his real name, and this man chronicled castro in the glorious 70s (and beyond) with his camera.

Rick Jasany worked in Harvey Milk and Scott Smith's Camera Shop on Castro Street in the late 1970's. As a photographer, he used the name Rick Jarrett.  AMAZING!  In the next unfolding hours I had a email off to him, a message to him on Facebook, and then receiving the most incredible response which pieced every single thing together.

Rick was the photographer at Vector Magazine.  Vector magazine was a gay publication out of Castro that was on the leading edge of the gay movement.   Richard WAS THE EDITOR of this magazine in the mid 70s!  This picture that I so adore is him working at Vector as the editor.  Vector was published by the Society for Individual Rights and this honor award hanging on his wall from 1976 is given by the Society for Individual Rights and the gay community of San Francisco for his contributions.

Harvey Milk was murdered just two years later after being the first openly gay man to be elected to public office.

Formed in 1964, the San Franciscan Society for Individual Rights (SIR) was focused on building community, and sponsored drag shows, dinners, bridge clubs, bowling leagues, softball games, field trips, art classes and meditation groups, expanding the national movement of being openly gay. In 1966, SIR opened the nation's first gay and lesbian community center, and by 1968 they had over 1000 members, making them the largest homosexual organization in the country.

My uncle received a lifetime acheivement award from them.  How amazing is that?  Why didn't I ever know that?  What an incredible day for me today to celebrate World AIDS day, by getting a lesson in the birth of world struggle for gay rights.

For the record, the gay community is now the smallest AIDS/HIV growth group worldwide accounting for less than 10% of the worldwide population that is living with HIV.

In addition an investigation  and statistical study shows conclusively that HIV infection among San Francisco gay men was a result of contaminated vaccines...what is probably one of the most significant and overlooked issues of our time. It demonstrates proof of a strong link between the U.S. outbreak of AIDS, and hepatitis studies that were performed on gay males, starting in the late 1970s. In the first two years of the epidemic in San Francisco, between 50 and 60 percent of the earliest known AIDS cases were from persons involved in the hepatitis studies.

Odds of the disproportionate levels of HIV infection among men in the vaccine trial, relative to other men of similar risk behaviors, are shown to be as little as 1 in a trillion.

The analysis also presents evidence suggesting that HIV infections occurring in the studies were more likely to have been intentional rather than accidental as studies were performed to determine whether HIV could have accidentally survived the vaccine production methods. These studies showed that all traces of HIV would have been easily destroyed, without human intervention.

If this contamination was intentional, it would represent the worst assault in American history, and probably in human history.

Viva La Castro

11/29 Psychologist

Room change is still going well.  After I went through a multitude of universal remotes trying to get something to work on the new TV, Arlene called Sylvania who suggested the cheapest Radio Shack one.

I went through Castro this morning and got that and Ill be darned it WORKS!  As fate would have it it was one of the last codes we tried.

When I came into the facility there was a man in a wheelchair who saw Buck and I at the free coffee table and wheeled himself over talking in broken English but I basically gather that he wants me to give him a cookie from the table so that he can give it to Buck.  The cookie tray is empty.  He doesnt quite grasp that, but I know I have a fortune cookie in my Dim Sum bag which Richard wont eat so I ask him to wait and I'll come back.

Well into the room and Arlene is there messing with the TV - this is pre-remote celebration - Richard announces they just got back from the dining room where they had lunch like real human beings.  They have a couple of different lunch areas - one of which you can sit down and be served in a 3-4 course meal like a real meal.  He apparently loved that.  He was good today.  Alert and in relatively good spirits.

So time passes - Arlene and I have danced a jig over the remote and we're scrubbing the sliding glass window with GooGone trying to get the adhesive off from a mylar we ripped off the window.  This is making richard crazy.  He doesnt give a damn the curtain is always shut quit messing with it.

then I turn around and the man wanting a cookie is outside the door.  Its Richards roommate!  This man speaks hardly no english - hes russian, and he too has suffered a stroke so they are two peas in a pod in there.  So we did give buck the cookie in the hall which he liked.

Speech therapist came in to give us a long report of what she has seen so far and she is targeting next week to move his liquids back down to thinner but still slightly thickened.  She said hes not always remembering his swallowing techniques.  He has to be que'd on a lot of things, but as he does them over and over he is making them more habit.

Then a psychologist comes in.  Hes a 3rd party contractor.  German.  Arlene and I were going to leave and give them privacy, but he opted for us to stay to help answer questions.  I did leave to the patio for a bit, but when I walk back in I'm fascinated by the answers Richard is giving to his questions.  I would definitely score higher on the depression scale in comparison.  He loves life, finds it exciting, never bored, but consciously feels the incapacitation, and therefore feels lesser than.

Cognitive questioning was remarkable too.  What date is it?  Richard says near the Kennedy Assassination so around the 26th...wow.  He went through a battery of these then dropped them because he said openly his cognitive function was opposite of what he expected so hewould move to the mood stuff.

Richard will tell you straight up.  Hes not depressed.  Hes trapped....and those that know him also know hes a 'bolter' as Arlene would put it.  He is completely unable to bolt from the situation.  A strange twist indeed.